FMLA

Years ago, someone mentioned FMLA to me and told me how it "protects your job". Technically, if your doctor fills it out correctly, you can use intermittent leave whenever you want. My doctor wrote it as such that I can take up to 3 whole days a week. But, I have never done that. I have used it to call in, go home early, or for doctor appointments. I rarely use it, that is, until I'm having a flare. I may use the 3 days, but what I'll do is make all 3 days minimum days. I try my hardest not to impact my entire office. I know how hard it is when one person is out. 

I had surgery in March, we scoped my knee and did a synovectomy. After surgery, I had a hard time restarting my meds. I had to hold my plaquenil for 3 weeks for surgery, once I restarted it, it made me sick. While trying to recover from surgery, I was started to flare because my meds weren't under control. My doc only had me off work for 3 weeks after my knee surgery. I returned, limping and flaring. Of course, I turned to fmla time. I left early here and there. 

Right now, I'm scheduled to see a surgeon on Tuesday for gallbladder surgery. I have been in constant pain for at least a month. I've only missed one day of work, but that was because I was in the Emergency Room. 

What I'm struggling with is that my work is pointing the finger at me for "not doing my job". When things do not get done because I'm out due to fmla. It almost makes me scared to use it sometimes because I know I'll get called into the office to be reminded of something that was missed. Everyone knows you can't talk to HR because they're friends with the boss, and then you get made fun of. It's just ridiculous. Sadly, I work for a large organization. I'm not sure how fmla protects my job anymore. Sometimes, I feel like they're building this case of "she doesn't get her work done" to get me fired. Its scary.

Internalizing Pain

I'm sure I'm not the only one that downplays RA pain at times. Meaning, I throw a smile(even a half smile) on my face when I'm not feeling good. Having lived with RA nearly my entire life, I know people get tired of hearing me complain of hurting. And, I don't always want to be labeled as "that person". You know? Maybe it's not right, But, it's just how I feel. I may feel like screaming that day. Or just crying. Sometimes, at work, I actually will close my office door and have a good cry when I'm in really bad pain. I just don't feel the need to  bring other people down.

Right now, I'm struggling with gallstones. If you've ever had to deal with this, then YOU KNOW. I am trying my best to internalize this pain. The best that I can do at work, is basically starve myself right now, which is not good.

Common Misconceptions

"It's Summer, you should be feeling SOOOO much better now". No, unfortunately, RA isn't controlled by seasons. I wish it could be controlled by something though! When I was younger, summertime was the WORST. Living in California, we get triple digit weather, I always wanted to just dip my legs into a pool. RA'rs know what happens when you go from extreme heat to extreme cold. PAIN! Needless to say, I never learned how to swim!

The same happens when you turn on the air conditioning. Yes, it cools me down. But, after a little while, it starts to make me ache. When I drive in my car, I have on the AC and the windows down. I'm sure to "normal" people it doesn't make sense. To me, it's my balance. I wear sweaters a lot in the summer because of the AC. I'm sure people look at me strangely, but I honestly don't care. I need to be comfortable.

"Why are you so tired?"

This is a question I seem to hear a few times a week. Despite my best efforts to describe chronic fatigue and RA, people think if you "look well", you shouldn't be tired. I work full time, so I look forward to napping on the weekends. Sometimes I'll wake up from a nap, have lunch, then nap again. To me, I'm recharging. That's what my weekend is for. I know if I have too many days where fight through the fatigue, I flare. I have lost friends over this because they simply did not understand, or just did not want to take the time to understand. RA fatigue is real and cannot be controlled. I sometimes wish people could take turns and be in my shoes for 24 hours. I wonder if they would look at me differently?