Down In The Dumps

I've been really frustrated lately. For a few reasons. I started PT a few weeks ago for my knee pain. They showed me how weak my body is. It was really disappointing. They had me try to walk without a limp, kind of hard when you have knee pain when you walk. Then, they had me stand on my toes. I didn't realize how awful my balance is. God help me if I ever have to walk in a straight line to prove sobriety! They gave me exercises to do at home. Of course I haven't been able to do them because of time restraints and my awesome fatigue.

My home life is going to drive me into a wall. I always tell people that my family helps me. When, in truth, I feel like I'm the one that helps them. I come home to a crazy mess every day after work. I overdraw my spoons just to clean it up before I pass out for the night. Then, its destroyed again in the morning. I don't always have time to do it in the morning. It's draining. I feel like I'm literally stuck here. I've helped mom with bills for years. Now that I have a car payment, I can't afford to move on my own. It's just not fair. I could support myself if I didn't have her bills.

I ran out of medication weeks ago. I haven't told anyone. I haven't been able to afford my refills because I had to buy groceries for the house two paydays in a row. It makes me want to cry because I know what will happen. I don't want to start flaring. I'm putting myself in a bad position, but I don't know what else to do.

I always hear about people going missing, then they're found safe. They just needed to get away. NOW, I know why people do that. They need a break from life, just for a minute. I really wish I could run away and turn off my phone and it just be me. Just for a day or so. If only.

Dear Treadmill, We're Over. It's Not You, It's Me....and RA/OA

Xeljanz is really helping and has changed how I have felt the past few months. My fatigue has also improved, but I still have those days that I find myself falling asleep driving home from work. My rheumy explained the difference between active RA pain, fibromyalgia pain and damage pain. Knowing the difference helps to understand how to treat the pain. I think most of my pain these days is damage pain, but it's also followed by fibo pain.

I wanted to take advantage of my good days. I have recently restarted the gym. I have put no pressure on myself, and have not set any goals. My main focus is to get my body moving. Last weekend was the first time, going with my brother helped break me in. I wasn't able to go all week because I had a migraine that lasted FOUR days. I went again today. I know that the treadmill is bad on the knees, but it feels good to walk. Then, I had the bright idea to jog. I could literally feel my knees banging against each other. Such a bad idea. I wanted to cry because I couldn't do it, and because of the pain. I'm laying in bed now with the heating blanket on high, in pain still.

My knees have a lot of damage and that's usually what hurts me the most. On Wednesdays, I'm on my feet all day. Like clockwork, Thursdays are filled with pain and swollen ankles. I mentioned this to my rheumy. She suggested I wear a knee brace when I have to be on my feet. It actually made such a difference.

Buh Bye MTX, Hello Again Termites

I will never understand why people question me when I say that my body aches or that I hurt really bad. It's almost like, its not gone yet? Some common responses I get are "really?" or "still?" and it just drives me crazy. It makes me feel like I need to somehow justify my pain, it is real. I wish someone could step into my shoes and feel it, PLEASE. 

Doc stopped my methotrexate last week. It's amazing sometimes when you stop a medication and side effects are slowly stopping, you didn't even realize you had. I feel so much more clear headed, and not as tired. But, I am in pain. I was in pain while on it as well. My insurance has finally approved Xeljanz. I have taken this before and did not experience any side effects. It should be delivered UPS tomorrow. 

My left knee hurts really bad right now. It's still tolerable, I say about a 7-7.5 on the pain scale. I always say that it feels like I have termites in my knee. When I was standing during church this morning, it felt like I weighed 500 pounds. After a few minutes of standing, I just feel all my weight on that knee. I hate taking pain pills because they make me go to sleep. I feel like all I do is sleep. I'm actually awake past my bedtime right now. I'm trying to change my sleeping patterns a bit, just so I feel that I'm not sleeping all the time.

A Few More Days Until Euflexxa

http://youtu.be/m2qJMbzwA3w    This is a link to a video for the Euflexxa injection I'm starting on Thursday. I'm a little scared. But, from everything I've read online, most people get a good response to the injection. It's a series of 3 injections, one every week for 3 weeks.

Euflexxa is supposed to be a gel that adds "cushion" in the knee. At this point, I do not want to have any more surgeries. This year along, I've had my knee scooped and my gallbladder taken out. The whole year has been about recovery. I'm not ready for another surgery. I really hope these injections help.

It's been really hard to stand on my feet, or walk. Even just laying down. I've been in constant pain with my knee. And it's the same knee that was scooped.

The physical pain is really starting to wear on me mentally. There's only so much a person can take. And, I start to think, Is this what my life will always be? Will I always be in this much pain? It takes a toll.

Pain after arthroscopic surgery

On February 28th of this year, I had arthroscopic surgery on my knee. Doc said he cleaned out the synovium. I noticed right away that awful lingering pain went away after surgery. Here it is, about 5 months later, the pain is slowly coming back. It's accompanied by a strange clicking sound when I walk. Sometimes when I hear the clicking sound, I almost don't feel completely stable on that knee. I called to make a appointment with the surgeon. They said it would be at least 2 months. I opted for the physicians assistant, her wait is only one month. I've never seen her though, she doesn't know my history AND she's not the one that did the surgery.

This pic is my before and after shot from when they cleaned up my synovium. I'm crossing my fingers it still looks like the after pic!


Yesterday was 4 weeks post gallbladder surgery. I had planned to start back at the gym this weekend. I'm not sure if that's a good idea now with the current pain in my knee. I know it's not a RA flare, but I just don't want to do anything I shouldn't.

There was a comment made to me this past week that bothered me. Someone said "something has to always be hurting you". This is why I try not to complain out loud. Having had RA for nearly my entire life, people are tired of hearing about my pains. I truly cannot help the pain. With RA, comes many other things that "break down" my body. Osteoporosis, OA, fatigue, belly aches, weight fluctuation, depression. It's all a part of this awful disease. I wish there was a way to help people understand that better.