Down In The Dumps

I've been really frustrated lately. For a few reasons. I started PT a few weeks ago for my knee pain. They showed me how weak my body is. It was really disappointing. They had me try to walk without a limp, kind of hard when you have knee pain when you walk. Then, they had me stand on my toes. I didn't realize how awful my balance is. God help me if I ever have to walk in a straight line to prove sobriety! They gave me exercises to do at home. Of course I haven't been able to do them because of time restraints and my awesome fatigue.

My home life is going to drive me into a wall. I always tell people that my family helps me. When, in truth, I feel like I'm the one that helps them. I come home to a crazy mess every day after work. I overdraw my spoons just to clean it up before I pass out for the night. Then, its destroyed again in the morning. I don't always have time to do it in the morning. It's draining. I feel like I'm literally stuck here. I've helped mom with bills for years. Now that I have a car payment, I can't afford to move on my own. It's just not fair. I could support myself if I didn't have her bills.

I ran out of medication weeks ago. I haven't told anyone. I haven't been able to afford my refills because I had to buy groceries for the house two paydays in a row. It makes me want to cry because I know what will happen. I don't want to start flaring. I'm putting myself in a bad position, but I don't know what else to do.

I always hear about people going missing, then they're found safe. They just needed to get away. NOW, I know why people do that. They need a break from life, just for a minute. I really wish I could run away and turn off my phone and it just be me. Just for a day or so. If only.

Living The Dream

I'm living the dream right now. Well, my dream anyway. I'm cuddled on the couch with my blankets and catching up on dvr. The family is all out of town, so the house is nice and quiet. Nobody is here to make fun of me for wrapping up in a blanket when it's nice outside. I don't have ANY plans for the weekend, so I get to sleep in! I'm just in a happy little bubble right now.

I was achy all day at work, completely pushed myself to make it through the day. My FMLA is still on hold at work. I tried all week to get ahold of my HR lady. She made me re-do my paperwork three times. Ridiculous.

Pain Ranting

These headaches lately are so draining. Everytime I get a migraine, it takes at least 2-3 days for it to slowly go away.

On top of my nearly constant headaches, it rained this week and we had some temperature changes. That makes me achy. My entire body is achy. You would think I would be a pro at this RA thing. I've had RA nearly my entire life, yet I never know what to do. I stopped contacting my rheumy when I'm in pain. I don't want to keep adding more pills.

It's just frustrating. Everyone wants to be their best, to feel well. I really want to start a pilates class. How do I do that when I'm falling asleep driving home from work. And, my hands hurt so bad to hold the steering wheel.

I wish there was a local support group for people with RA. The online groups are starting to get really depressing.

Third Opinion On My Knee

This past week, I saw another orthopedic doc. I was really starting to get frustrated that my doc that did my surgery last year just wants to keep injecting me with cortisone, even after I say it doesn't really help. I wanted another opinion. If this is how I'm going to live the rest of my life, in pain and not able to stand or walk for long without pain...then I needed someone else to confirm that.

This new doc was really straight forward. Which I love and really appreciate. He actually had a different diagnosis altogether. He says the pain that I'm feeling now is actually called "jumpers knee". It has to do with my patella having some tendinitis around it. But, not inflammatory tendinitis, more degenerative. He's going to send me to physical therapy. Not a injection, not surgery. But, someone to hopefully alleviate the pain and fix the problem. I read a little about it, and it's common for people with knock-knee, which I have. And, knock-knee is common for people with JRA, which I was diagnosed with.

Fun Has It's Price

Last weekend I went to a "Heart and Stroke ball" put on by the American Heart Association. I was invited because I work in heart transplant. It's amazing to hear peoples stories and how far they have come because of research. Technology has changed so much over the years. It was amazing to hear how much money they raised, it  truly is a great cause.

 I was excited to have been invited because of my field of work, but also because it was a "ball" and I got to dress up. The couple weeks leading up to it was difficult, finding the extra energy to shop for a ball gown and shoes. Getting nails done, hair done. Yes, it was all for a fun night, but it later took its toll on me. The night itself was good, I felt well. Having not worn heels in so long because of my RA, I didn't think about how much this would hurt my feet. There was a lot of standing. Luckily, I was smart enough to valet my car at the event and not park in the parking garage a few blocks away. Sometimes, the extra price is totally worth it.

I rested the next day, but ended up getting a migraine that lasted for 4 days. I had to call in sick to work on Monday because I was so nauseous. People don't realize how much a migraine takes out of you. It knocks my body down. I can't focus, I can't eat, it is completely debilitating. I really think it's because I was pushing my body so much to get so many things done just for one night of fun. One night of "normalcy".

It's Raining, It's Pouring...But I Have A Electric Blanket.

I'm still in pain from yesterdays gym mistake. I know I shouldn't have tried running. I did this to myself. I just wanted to know if I could do it. It just sucks because I know I could lose weight so much faster that way, if only I were able to.

I've lived with my family for the past year. They really helped me through a couple surgeries. But, sometimes, I feel like I need to remind them that I have arthritis. Everyone seems so surprised when I have a good day or two, then I'm hurting. It's like, where did that come from. Why are you hurting? Maybe you should call your doctor. I laugh sometimes, because I'm so used to the disease. I often feel like they should be too.

I had a lot of errands to run today. Tomorrow is a coworkers birthday, and I'm in charge of decorating her desk. I drove all over town looking for decorations that weren't child themed. Then, I had to get her a gift. Gift cards are the best invention ever. I also had to pick up Valentine's cards to mail to my nieces and nephews. Kids love mail! I was so tired by the end of all that, oh, and it's rained all day. I came home and crawled under the electric blanket and ate lunch in bed.

I'm still in bed resting, my legs really hurt. Oh, and when I picked up the Valentines cards, I also grabbed a yoga mat so I can hopefully start doing some stretching at home.

Dear Treadmill, We're Over. It's Not You, It's Me....and RA/OA

Xeljanz is really helping and has changed how I have felt the past few months. My fatigue has also improved, but I still have those days that I find myself falling asleep driving home from work. My rheumy explained the difference between active RA pain, fibromyalgia pain and damage pain. Knowing the difference helps to understand how to treat the pain. I think most of my pain these days is damage pain, but it's also followed by fibo pain.

I wanted to take advantage of my good days. I have recently restarted the gym. I have put no pressure on myself, and have not set any goals. My main focus is to get my body moving. Last weekend was the first time, going with my brother helped break me in. I wasn't able to go all week because I had a migraine that lasted FOUR days. I went again today. I know that the treadmill is bad on the knees, but it feels good to walk. Then, I had the bright idea to jog. I could literally feel my knees banging against each other. Such a bad idea. I wanted to cry because I couldn't do it, and because of the pain. I'm laying in bed now with the heating blanket on high, in pain still.

My knees have a lot of damage and that's usually what hurts me the most. On Wednesdays, I'm on my feet all day. Like clockwork, Thursdays are filled with pain and swollen ankles. I mentioned this to my rheumy. She suggested I wear a knee brace when I have to be on my feet. It actually made such a difference.