Pity Party, Table For One

I've been on Xeljanz for the past week. According to everything I've read online, it takes 2-8 weeks to notice any improvement. I have been in constant pain. I feel like things are getting worse, I'm getting stiffer. My costochondritis is flaring right now. And, it's just making me super depressed. My pain pills are not controlling the pain, but they make me sleepy which helps me to not feel it. But, I also don't sleep well because I wake up from pain. I'm at such a loss as to what I should do. I find myself crying almost everyday. Mostly from the pain, but also because I'm so frustrated.

My family went to my Aunt's house for dinner yesterday. I wasn't up for it. But, then I realized that meant I needed to get dinner for myself. I left the house, and went to the store. At the store, I parked in the handicap parking spot. I got the dirtiest look from someone. It just made me want to yell at them, if only I had the strength. People have no idea how hard it is to get out of the car, let alone walk around the store.

I emailed my rheumatologist and asked her if I should be seeing a pain management specialist. She suggested I see her sooner, since my current regimen isn't helping me. I called the office to schedule, my appointment is in 3 weeks. Three weeks is a eternity when you're in pain.

The costochondritis just started yesterday. I haven't had this bother me in such a long time. I'm laying down with a heat pack on my chest now. It hurts to breathe, I'm trying my best to relax and take small short breathes.

I honestly don't know how much more and how much longer I can take this. I'm so frustrated. All I've been wanting for over 30 years is to be "normal". Life is such a struggle.

Does wine cure the whine?

I almost celebrated a full 2 weeks of feeling AMAZING. I had a follow up appointment with my doc on Friday. She says I need to really watch the color changing hands. Apparently, the lack of blood flow can cause nerve damage. I wear two pairs of socks usually, she said it's not good enough...so I bought special diabetic socks at freakin $10 a pair. I don't feel awful, I'm just feeling discouraged. I sometimes am afraid to enjoy things, because I don't know how it might make me feel physically. I need to stop living in this kind of fear.

On Thursday, I was having some chest pain and a fluttery feeling in my chest. I've been training a new girl at work how to do EKG's, so I had her do one on me. As soon as she touched my chest to place the leads, I felt pain. Instantly, I knew what it was. Every so often, my costochondritis flares up. It's inflammation in the ribs and hurts to the touch. Normally, I use colchicine to help relive the pain and inflammation. I found out from the pharmacy that it's no longer available. But, a new and MORE expensive medication is. No thank you. Waiting to hear back from doc to see what else is out there.

 I spent the night at Mom's last night. It's always nice relaxing with family. We made dinner together and watched a movie. We got to church a little early, so we sat in the cafe and drank our coffee. I lifted my right hand to take a drink, and my hand had the shakes....like quivering. It was strange. Mom noticed it too. So, I tried to brush it off and just use my left hand. I hate people noticing things like that, or me in pain. We met some family for breakfast after church. I used my left hand to eat because I was afraid of it happening again and people noticing.