My Everything Hurts

I am totally and completely at the end of my rope. I was on my feet all day yesterday for work. Each week, I know that I'll feel bad on Thursday. But, add that to my already ongoing pain. I'm done for.  My everything hurts. My knees are the worst. The ache that I feel can't be compared to anything else. I seriously don't think I can take much more. It's affecting me so much mentally.

Today, we had a meeting scheduled from 12-5 at work. I only lasted at work until 11. The director made me feel really bad for leaving. She said everyone was trying to get out of the meeting. I tried to explain that wasn't the case. People can clearly see me limping around. I had to defend myself and explain how and why I felt so bad. Near tears, I stood there and told her how I was struggling physically. I felt like I was begging her to go home. Nobody should have to do that.

Tomorrow I already have a appointment scheduled to see my primary doctor to talk about my depression. He seems to ignore it every time I bring it up. This disease and pain are bringing me so down. I plan to talk to the doctor about taking me off work for a medical leave for a few weeks. At least until I get stable on Remicade-that I start next week.

I've taken 3 Norco's in the past 8 hours. That's a lot for me. It hasn't changed the pain much. I don't know what else to do to help myself beside laying in bed cuddled in blankets.

What Is My RA Future?

My RA sucks.  Well, I suppose everyone's does. But, lately I've been really thinking about what the future is going to hold for me and this disease. It's scary.

I've been really pushing myself at work just to stay afloat. I have FMLA and can miss up to 3 days a week. I really try not to because then I get behind. I'm still expected to complete the workload if I'm gone. And, my boss is really mean to me if I miss time. The other day, I said that I was going to FMLA and only work 6 hours that day. Nobody would talk to me the rest of the day. So, usually, I try to push myself to work 8 hours because I hate that type of treatment.

I'm home today. It's raining outside and I'm under the electric blanket. I don't know what to do next. I can't keep up this pace. I won't survive.

FMLA

Years ago, someone mentioned FMLA to me and told me how it "protects your job". Technically, if your doctor fills it out correctly, you can use intermittent leave whenever you want. My doctor wrote it as such that I can take up to 3 whole days a week. But, I have never done that. I have used it to call in, go home early, or for doctor appointments. I rarely use it, that is, until I'm having a flare. I may use the 3 days, but what I'll do is make all 3 days minimum days. I try my hardest not to impact my entire office. I know how hard it is when one person is out. 

I had surgery in March, we scoped my knee and did a synovectomy. After surgery, I had a hard time restarting my meds. I had to hold my plaquenil for 3 weeks for surgery, once I restarted it, it made me sick. While trying to recover from surgery, I was started to flare because my meds weren't under control. My doc only had me off work for 3 weeks after my knee surgery. I returned, limping and flaring. Of course, I turned to fmla time. I left early here and there. 

Right now, I'm scheduled to see a surgeon on Tuesday for gallbladder surgery. I have been in constant pain for at least a month. I've only missed one day of work, but that was because I was in the Emergency Room. 

What I'm struggling with is that my work is pointing the finger at me for "not doing my job". When things do not get done because I'm out due to fmla. It almost makes me scared to use it sometimes because I know I'll get called into the office to be reminded of something that was missed. Everyone knows you can't talk to HR because they're friends with the boss, and then you get made fun of. It's just ridiculous. Sadly, I work for a large organization. I'm not sure how fmla protects my job anymore. Sometimes, I feel like they're building this case of "she doesn't get her work done" to get me fired. Its scary.