What do you do when your pain level feels like it's at it's worst and you just cannot push yourself anymore? No, really, it's a question. I've been having more and more days when I feel like I just can't take anymore pain. For so many years I have been able to put on a fake face and push through the pain. I can't hide it anymore. For that matter, I am getting to the point where I just can't take it anymore.
My pain is intolerable. I have so much pressure at work to be there. I get so scared what life could be like a year from now. If things keep progressing like they are, what will I do?
Most days, I could literally just stay in bed all day. I can't remember the last time I had a pain free day. The last time I saw my therapist, she asked me how my pain was. I told her it was about a level 8. She just looked at me funny. She suggested trying "mindfulness" . She said instead of letting my head go to a bad place, just think about that moment. Right now, I'm trying so hard to do that. The pain talks on its own. I can't focus on anything else right now but the gnawing pain in my legs, especially my knees.
Today is Friday, and it's a 3 day weekend. Most people look forward to times like this to leave town or do something fun. I look forward to sleeping or just resting.
11 more days until I start Remicade. I had been so scared to start it, not knowing how it would make me feel. Now, I just can't wait. I need for this to work.
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